Optimistically Pessimistic

I'm just not feeling it. And by it, I mean ANYTHING. Today was a very 'blah' day for me (and btw, I hate that description - 'blah' - how exactly are you describing anything? Sigh.. I'm such a hypocrite). For the past week my routine has been the same: sleep until 11ish (which is really late for me) and spend the day with a variation of mommy duty and watching Lost. I have gone through the entire first season already! That's 26 episodes at approximately 43 minutes per episode over a period of 6 days...you do the math! I hate sitting around doing nothing all of the time. I may as well be on a diet of twinkies. The only gratifying moments of the past week have been spent bringing a dimpled smile to my adorable little son's chubby cheeks.



Oh, he is growing so fast! Rolling over and sitting up and talking like there's no tomorrow. He got the talking part from me, I'm sure.







Sigh...he makes my heart melt <3

Okay, this week: less Lost, more stimulating the mind of my budding genius son.

I did at least freak out on the kitchen tonight. I mean freak out in a positive way. That's something. It's how I know I'll get some stuff taken care of this week. I can't do anything if the kitchen is dirty. It's funny how that works.

On a side note, one of my friends said today, "The nice part about being a pessimist, is that you are constantly either proven right or getting pleasantly surprised." I love love love that! What an amazingly optimistic way to view being pessimistic! It suits me so well! Since I am either ridiculously optimistic or depressingly pessimistic (depending on which hour of which day of which week), an outlook like this opens up an entirely new ballpark!

This is not how I wanted things to begin.

So here I am. Newlywed as of November 7, 2009. Alone as of right now. I thought I'd start a blog so that I could put out to the world just how happy I am to be a wonderful new wife and mommy. The joys of everyday life OUT of the military, and now a military wife. All of that is out of my mind as of 71 minutes ago. As I sit here, a big leaky bucket, all I can do is feel sorry for myself and focus on the negative. My beautiful baby boy is sitting in the floor playing in his excersaucer fussing intermittently for my attention. My beautiful baby boy. Just reading the words over helps me calm down. Despite my negative disposition, somewhere beyond my aching heart I know that my family will pull through this.

Let's go back to square one, the cause of the achy-ness. My husband has just been masted. Punishment: 30 days restricted to the vicinities of his assigned luxury cruise ship *do I need to make it clear that I'm being sarcastic?*, 30 days of extra duty, half a month's pay for one month, and reduction in rank. He did nothing scandalous, I'd like to make that clear. Just a common mistake, only with the wrong timing.

I am a human being and, therefore, selfish. The selfish me does not want to spend a month without my husband after just pulling through a 6 month deployment, and preparing for yet another in March. Even if it would keep him from being busted down in rank. I do not want to spend one more month without the other half of my heart. I do not want my almost 6 month old son to spend one more month without his daddy that he doesn't have to. One month. It should be nothing after all the time that we have spent apart. So why do I feel like my world is crumbling around me?

I'm so angry. I'm angry that we did not take the Christmas tree down, and the grass needs to be mowed, and the house is not baby-proofed, and the baby's crib has not been fixed. I'm angry that my husband made such a stupid mistake! I'm angry that the CO punished him so severely, and I'm angry at myself for not preparing for this. Just a note for all of you superstitious folk out there: JINXING DOES NOT WORK. I've been relying on this method for the majority of my life, and I am just now resigned to the fact that it is CRAP.

So, here I go, the bipolar, good intentioned, borderline freakazoid starting my happy, shiny new blog. And my happy, shiny new life. This is just the beginning of my transition from dirty-mouthed, former slutty sailor with a full time job and money to spend wherever I please --- to perfect wife and wonderful mother, completely relying on someone else to take care of me - and that is my unadulterated truth.